Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
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I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I put the mess in domestic.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”