@ShittyComedian: Don't you hate it when you're so high on drugs that simple, everyday, mundane tasks become difficult? Anyway, I pissed on your sofa.
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@Dawn_M_: Someone asked me if I'd found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
@ericaj1721: I'm always behind the person at McDonald's who acts like they've never seen the menu in their life
@marinhubka: Shoe repair guy: so what happened? [cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet] Me: I stepped in a..puddle
@withanewname: "Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other" "Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?"