@ShittyComedian: Don't you hate it when you're so high on drugs that simple, everyday, mundane tasks become difficult? Anyway, I pissed on your sofa.
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@Sean_Burgundy_: [ Skydiving ] Instructor: SIR. You can't just jump out without your equipment on Me: *Shows him text of gf saying "We need to talk"
@CoolCamel69: *pulls home cooked meal out of oven* *family awkwardly stares at me* Yup, this is definitely not my house.
@ArfMeasures: ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I'm delusional UBER DRIVER: I didn't say anything