My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
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My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
awkward
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.