@ShittyComedian: Don't you hate it when you're so high on drugs that simple, everyday, mundane tasks become difficult? Anyway, I pissed on your sofa.
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@murrman5: [roommate hears me come in] "how was the date?" [face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I'm allergic to shellfish
@jacob_swift16: Don't be afraid to put yourself out there. The worst that can happen is embarrassment, social shame and everyone thinking you're an idiot