@ShittyComedian: Don't you hate it when you're so high on drugs that simple, everyday, mundane tasks become difficult? Anyway, I pissed on your sofa.
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@AmishPornStar1: I'm not saying I'm an idiot... But if some village comes looking...tell them you never saw me.
@TonyFratto: I joke but this Scotland thing is nuts. I mean...imagine if Canada ever tried to secede from the U.S.
@KeetPotato: wife: "you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings" me: [covering penguin's ears] "he can hear you linda"