@ShittyComedian: Don't you hate it when you're so high on drugs that simple, everyday, mundane tasks become difficult? Anyway, I pissed on your sofa.
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@TheChrisAngel: By tomorrow night America will be in a turkey induced coma. On Friday...Canada attacks.
@_SingleBabyMama: Some girls look like they've barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that's been doused by a fire hose.
@iwearaonesie: If you start smacking people with your wife's purse she won't ask you to hold it for her anymore