The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
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nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
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me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
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nurse:
me: wait for what
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.