I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
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TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I saw this ending much differently.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.