Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
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The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help