Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
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How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
When someone says you are so lazy
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
S/o to @funTweeters .
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.