Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
You Might Also Like
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Nothing to do, you say?
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.