whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
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so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.