In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
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Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”