WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
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If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.