When you don’t understand how floors work
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If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?