@panmidwest: [pulled over] ME: Ok, don't let him know you're an alligator COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line ME: [exhale] thank God…

@NYC_Blonde: Me: One large buttery popcorn please! Him: Ma'am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies... Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

@johnalogue: Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

@chuuew: The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

@dave_cactus: "Your finest Scotch, please." "Yes, sir," the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.