*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
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Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
We cut our bangs at dawn.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.