Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
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Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.