Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
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i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Happy Friday
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.