Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
You Might Also Like
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?