*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
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What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Just a phase…
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators