*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
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CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
just having fun