[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
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Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,