*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
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That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
my nickname in college
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!