“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
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Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Monday?
No. Next question.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.