@TheAlexNevil: Fortune Cookie: For healthy looking skin, don't get eaten by a bear.

@longwall26: Martial arts movie, starring me Master: You wish to learn to fight? Me: Yes Master: The training is very difficult Me: Oh then no The End

@FormerGrunt: When I die, just toss my body out of an airplane flying over NYC while wearing a superman costume.

@TonyWIVK: BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting. Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

@DiabeetusNurse: This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.