Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
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Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty