*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
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I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man