DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
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“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.