Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 馃槶馃槶馃槶
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Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn鈥檛 realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don鈥檛 know what he wants from me but whatever it is he鈥檚 going to get it
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It鈥檚 the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.