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@DoubtTommy: Double cheeseburgers don't make you fat, eating them does.
@iGreenMonk: Small kid : Mom what happens when you die?
Mom : Your soul will go to heaven.
Small kid : No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
@crunchenhancer: Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
@MBlackman37: Trump: What caused the Civil War?
Aide 2: Slavery.
Aide 3: Slavery.
@paperphotoyo: Just had to Google synonyms for the word creative.
The irony is not lost on me.
@zombieparrot: Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.