Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
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Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
at ease…shoulder.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild