@joeljeffrey: Double standard - bear breaks into girl's house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear's house, we write a children's story about it.
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@daemonic3: Is this your resume? "Yep" It just says you used to leave shit at your friends' doors, ring the bell & run away "Oh yes" Welcome to UPS!
@1_swarthy_dude: [1st date] Me: "So, what do you do?" Her: "I'm a Herpetologist." Me: "Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?"
@Mindless4Miles: Me: "Breath mint?" Her: "Sure." M: "Don't mean to offend." H: "None taken." M: "Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?"
@MoistPork: "He's a jerk. I'm over him anyway. (5 minutes later) Ooh, he texted! I want to have his babies!" -Women