@joeljeffrey: Double standard - bear breaks into girl's house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear's house, we write a children's story about it.
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@LindaInDisguise: I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
@daemonic3: MAN: [having heart attack] HELP...CAN'T...MOVE ME: Dude, are you ok?! MAN: [faintly] CALL...ME...A...DOCTOR ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
@ohpegah: [my first attempt at standup] ME: So, I was at the gym the other day... MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren't