@joeljeffrey: Double standard - bear breaks into girl's house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear's house, we write a children's story about it.
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@BlairLoudly: Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat's just being dramatic.
@writerPT: Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night? Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
@BackrowSeats: Been in an accident? Know someone who's been in an accident? If not, call us & we'll come push you down the stairs or something.
@slimmy_shady: Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that's not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?