Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
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Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
#TopTip
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.