“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
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me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Banking tips
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
How to wake up a Beagle
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
That took me a moment.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.