Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
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Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Vodka burrito was a success
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby