Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
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Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Still my favourite meme.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
I need to update my racial profile.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.