Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
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Put this video in the Louvre
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
*aggressively waits in line*
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.