[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
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God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39