Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
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Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right