Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
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Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I have two kinds of followers
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-