Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
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I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I saw this ending much differently.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Two types of dogs.
We have a winner.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole