Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
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Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
How software testing works
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?