Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
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Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Are we there yet?…
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
when u come home smelling like another dog