A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
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FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish