DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
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chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Storm Tropical Storm
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo