@DrDogMD: DR DOG: It says you're here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who's been a good boy?
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@PJTLynch: "Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?" Wife: "Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?" "...Yes" *wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
@Fred_Delicious: Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that's been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
@shegotagronk: Don't cry because it's over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.