Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
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Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.