Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
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I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
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Expectations vs. Reality
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid