Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
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Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
getting old is fun
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.