Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
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if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.