Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
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Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.