DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
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Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
as is their right