Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
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I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?