Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
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[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
How does one answer this?
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?