Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
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Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
english majors be like furthermore
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.