Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
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If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
This is my pinned tweet
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
me adding lol on a serious message
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair