DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
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Ladies, why y’all do this?
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
This is Sparta
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions