dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
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I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory